October 1st
A day in which I would have liked that some of my wishes come true.. buuuuuuuut not one, ONE of them got near that line.
I’m working, my cousin’s working, She’s not here, you’re not here, no dancing….aaand I think this is pretty much all on my wish list for this day.
So instead I’m saying “Fuck it” and after work, I’m spending the day wandering around, don’t care where, as long as it’s out. And maybe some ice-skating too 
So fuck this birthday, I’ll figure out other ways to enjoy it…
Wishing and wanting
These last days have been filled with wishing and wanting…
Wishing for things to be different, wishing for certain people to be with me, here, wishing for a surprise…
But I find wishing easy, I mean, here I am wishing for a surprise. I don’t know if it’ll come true. Actually I’m pretty sure it won’t come true, but somehow it’s easier to manage when I keep seeing the impediments, the logical facts of it not coming true, simply because I wished for it.
What is hard, is the wanting. Because right now I’m wanting, no, needing, the closeness. The “being there for me”, the “holding tight” part, the “laying down without a care” part, the “arms around me” part, the “small kisses on the nape” part, the “stupid words that I come up with, that make no sense to others but me and yet it’s funny as hell” part.
I’m wanting all these things, and wishing for them to happen, but I know that’s a pretty difficult task, since I don’t move a single finger to see them come through, to make them happen. I’m expecting for them to come to me, which is crazy, but I’m not making any moves towards…I only stay put. And I realize that sooner rather than later I’ll have to start somewhere, to get up from my lazy-ass and make a move,but I’m holding back and being selfish, when that’s the last thing I want to be…
But hey, maybe it’s my period that’s approaching, or just my birthday making me want that surprise really bad… but I keep wishing and wanting.
)Need
You have no idea how much I need you right now. I need your presence. I need to know that you’re next to me. Even if we’re not speaking, not doing anything in particular, just the thought that you’re within reach for me to hug or to simply touch would be enough.
I need you to hold me close, to hold me tight. Small kisses on my neck. Smiles.
For this past week I’ve wanted you with me. By days, but mostly at nights, in the silence of it all, hands holding, hands touching, speaking through our movements.
I know that most of the times I give the vibe that all I want is the physical, with no care for the small things but right now I’m craving the affection, a feeling that’s increasing lately.
Best left unsaid…but until when?
You sorry ass excuse of a person. Supid. Idiot. You never think about the others.. all you care about is yourself and your stupid image in the eyes of others.
You never think about what your stupidity does to her. How she can’t handle anymore of your shit, even though she sticks to your side like a freaking dog because it’s all she’s done these last 30some years of slavering at your side. Cause living, she did not. Not by a long shot.
You with your “problems”, your fucking diseases that take a toll out of you and you don’t even care about the consequences.
You don’t care that in a beat of a second you could drop dead, and that no one may be around to help your sorry ass out of your “coma”. And yet you keep doing shit like not eating, not taking your shots, cause what the fuck..nothing can happen to you, and if it does you’ve got a fucking slave that will jump to save you.
All’s covered, we don’t need to worry. You’ve got it all under control.
Well let me tell you this.. the time has come when we don’t give a shit about you. For all I care, the only drawback to your dying is that it will bring more expenses upon us. Absolutely NOTHING more. No fucking regret that you’re not among us anymore. No suffering or crying because “oh he was a good man” bullshit. NOTHING.
She will cry of course. Because by some sick reason she may even love you, or because all these years of attending your needs make it a reflex out of her now. And that is why I still give a fuck about the whole thing. Because of how she can’t take it anymore. Because she will need support to handle your stupid acts. She will need someone by her side, when you’re too damaged by your crises. When your mind will stop working at its “best”.
But let us see how you’ll manage your “rebellion” when she’ll be abroad and you’ll be left alone with me.
I could be out for hours with you being passed out on the floor in need of medication, in need of medical care.
Who will save you then? Who will fuss around you if the mini-coma ends up in a permanent one?
This was your 3rd one. And I could bet my life on it that it’s not the last one. And how the doctor said, with each passing one your brain gets more damaged. More fucked-up. But do you care? Of course not. Because you’ve got a family that loves you.
Mhmm..keep dreaming..keep hoping.
Depressed
It started with a book, then some songs used when the book was written, also sad;
Add that to my already fucked up state of mind;
And memories, desires, dreams, thoughts broke the barrier..
Moment of you
Whenever I think about you, a single moment comes often in my mind. There’s this image I have of you from one evening when we were on the subway, standing close to each other, you were making fun of things and I was laughing. And very sudden this little pause happened when you looked at me and I at you, and there was this look on your face, in your eyes that almost said „I want to kiss you so badly!”. I don’t know what happened next, one of us must have looked away, probably me, most certainly me, and the moment disappeared, but it’s the most vivid image I have of you. That look in your eyes.
I would so very much like to see that look again, even if it may have been just a figment of my imagination..
Fantasy
For some time now the desire to get completely drunk and wasted overwhelms me. I know I should be having other kind of fantasies, and I do, mostly, but this is something that I’ve really, reaaally got to do.
I need it to be night, so that there are no people wandering and disrupting me. There’s only a handful of people I want near me/joining me in my “drunk fantasy”.
I want to get drunk, and be able to stand in some abandoned place, be it an empty street, corner of a park, a parking lot, the beach (even though keeping one’s balance on sand is tricky), it doesn’t matter, as long as no one’s there.
I want to think about stupid stuff. I want to let my mind wander.
I want to let go of all the shit that’s weighing me down, let words come out, not caring if the one who’s with me gives a shit or not, gets offended or not.
I want to stare into space, bottle in hand, and sway. Yes, that is my biggest wish: that in my state of drunkenness, he/she lets me sway in peace, blabbering idiocies, me and my bottle.
And after my bout of meditation I want to go sleep it off, or dance, or.. other stuff. Depends on the moment and the company, I guess.
But me and my bottle have a date coming…. very soon.
